Life couldn't be any better for me. Our house is all done. new carpet, wood floors, new painted rooms. Looks nice and feels good to have some change. it only took us 8 years but we did it. Now its just a matter of putting everything back in the house. Went to palm springs this pass weekend for Tims birthday. It was cool to see him and my sister and her girls and ryan and cece. it had been over a year since we had seen them. I love my family to death. but they drive me baaaananas. 5 days was way too long to be away from my boo and katie. I missed my routine. leaving when i wanted. hanging out with katie during the day and spending my nights with michael. it felt good to come home and jump in my car and race over to see them. My relationship with michael couldn't be any more perfect. i found the person i've deserved for so long. You know you're attached when you sleep one night a week at your own house and it doesn't feel like home anymore because being at that apartment feels like home to me. i love experinceing all of these things with him that ive never felt before. I thought i had been inlove before. but this beats falling in love by a long shot. For the first time i don't question everything he does or says. i just know he means it. For the first time i love someone as much as they love me. No more no less. just a perfect match.every guy i was ever with was just a stepping stone to where im at now. and i plan on staying here. my birthday is just around the cornner and i cannot wait. I leave for vegas on the 7th i believe. its going to be one amazing trip if it all comes through. Ill get to see mikena and karlee who i haven't seen since last march. there growing up so so fast. i can't belive mikena is 16 already. my job is bullshit but great at the same time. ill just have to deal with it. Got another new phone the other day. me and michael got a plan together with at&t and both got this touch screen phone called the eternity. kinda like a knock off of an iphone. still pretty dope though. i have my keyboard back! RIP sidekick. hahaaaaaa.


all in all im happy. very happy. whatever life throws my way ill deal with it but as long as i have my 2 favorite people in my life, my family is well, my bills are paid and i have a job ill be good to go. i can't for all the new things that will be happening to me in the near future. ive had it rough for a long time. but i got rid of the things that brought me down and now life is smoooooth sailing.


 

Everything seems to be falling into place.

Im the happiest i've been in a very very long time.
Im so excited for everything.
3 more months and the most amazing birthday of my entire life is going to happen.
Vegas. Disneyland. Bars and clubs. Dancing my ass off.
I can't wait.
Spending it with my bestfriend in the entire world and the most amazing boyfriend is just the icing on the cake.

I feel like im 14 years old again. Thats how long its been. Since i've felt secure in a relationship. It finally happened. and i really didn't ever think it would.

I still hate my job with everything in me. But whateve. In a year and half it'll be almost 16 an hour. I want that. so bad. gaaaah.

Im offically credit card debt free as of yesterday.
ohhhhh dang son.

People seriously make my mind spin in circles. Its funny how things end up. real funny. you're kidding yourself if you think people are buying you fake ass story for even 2 seonds. nice try though. realllllly nice try.


Peeeeeace naaaaggaaa,

This morning a family friend of ours died in a car accident.
He was the same age as me.


When my mom woke me up and told me.. all those old feelings came back.
you all know what im talking about.
the ones you can't describe but you know them like the back of your hand.

With my mom knowing the feeling of losing a child.
she instantly sympathizes with the parents.
and with me knowing the feeling of losing a brother.
I instantly sympathize with the siblings.

This is just another one of those things that shows you you never know when you're going to lose someone.
So don't you dare take them for granted.


RIP robbie cash.
you will be very missed.

I had diner with my parents tonight.

I pretty much sat there and spilled my guts about everything in my life. And when i say everything i mean everything. The good the bad and the ugly. I love that i can talk to them. And they understand what im saying and where im coming from. They give me the best advice they can and i really do take it to heart.

I just want to know that atleast trying to be a good person will pay off someday. Im so over being unappriciated. So over being second best. so over alot of things. I don't want things to be eaiser. I just want them to make sense. my emotions are everywhere. I cant seem to get them in order and figure them out. Im so sick of people screwing me over and then realizing what an idiot they were and coming to apologize. Trust me. I've heard it all. Ill do anything for anyone. i love pleasing people. No matter what it is. and people know that. and they take advantage of it. because they know i wont say no. But what if i did. what if i said flat out no. it would probably feel pretty damn good. but im to scared to hurt peoples feelings. but apparently no body is afraid to hurt mine.

life is fucking stupid.

I would just like to thank God right now.


Not for anything specefic.
Just everything.

Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
 

I want you to just let go.



Don't be scared. Ill be there to catch you.

Lately i've had an on going joke with my parents and katie that ill be 30 and living in my one bedroom apartment with 10 cats. Eating frosting out of the can. Crying, while watching lifetime movies.


I really hope to God that that doesn't happen.


This year has been one up hill battle. Probably the most dramatic one of my life. I know it won't be the only one..but i hope that's the worst of it. I let a few people out of my life that probably made me the most frustrated and emotionally exhausted i have ever been. And that was probabaly the best thing i could have done for myself. I wish all of those people the best. Even though if i saw a few of them i'd probably throw something close to me right at thier head, I still would never wish anything bad upon someone. I just want to them to be happy while there out of my life so i can enjoy mine.


This year was def. a growing one for sure. I partied hard for the first time ever. Broke my first car. Bought a brand new and realzied why everyone hates doing it so much. fell out of love. fell back in love. and fell out of it again. Lived on my own.  Realized that i couldn't live with out my best friend.Got a puppy. Watched my druggie little brother fuck up his life and ruin my parents marriage. That alone made my year the worst. I hate him for that. He tore my family apart. He made me leave my own house because i couldnt take it anymore. He made my mother sleep in a trashy hotel all by herself. And he doesn't even care. Its heartbreaking in a way because he was my last chance at a relationship with atleast one of my siblings. I haven't spoken to my brother alex in almost a year. and he's probabaly unaware of it. That's so depressing. Id give anything to have what everyone else has. Young parents and brothers and sisters that are atleast around to see. Whatever. Ill take what i've got. And thats grandparents for parents and 6 strangers for siblings. It's great really. Spread the love yo.


In 2009 everything will start to change. Kaite's moving soon and i'll have to adjust to a life with out her. Which will honestly be very hard. I know we joke around about it, but i really do love that girl. And im going to miss her more than she realizes. But at the same time im so happy that she found the love of her life time and is making the most of her life. I turn 21 this year. So that means meeting lots of new people hopefully. And new people brings lots of new oppurtunities.

But, in the back of my mind, I sitll see myself always alone. And that's fine. I enjoy taking care of myself. I've done a good job at so far. I've had plenty of guys love me. Just not enough i suppose. and thats not there fault. Nor is it mine. Its just how things go. And i've accepted that. Who knows. A year from now i could be married and loving my life. Or i could be right where im sitting. Working at the same place. and doing the same things. and still enjoying myself.


i guess what im rambling on about is i dont really give a fuuuck. My life is mine. To live how i want. And just because it's a new year doesn't mean i need to make a new life. It just means i get more time to makeit  more meaningful. whatever that means. peeeeace easy 2008. Its been real.

I refuse to be played for a fool.
Mark my words.

This isn't just getting over someone. This is rearranging my life. I had everything planned in my head. Every moment. Included him in it. I don't understand how anyone can be so cold. He does things that i just can't wrap my head around. And apparently he can't either. You can't fix something without trying. You can't make things better when you do the one thing that would completely cross the line. It's a slap in my face. Everything that you're doing. I meant what i said. If you keep lieing and manipulating everything its going to catch up with you. and you're going to be alone. Everyones going to find out what you've said about them and how you've screwed them over. Trust me. Its only a matter of time. Im tired of being second best. Im tired of not feeling good enought. or that i did something wrong. because i know i haven't.


People absoloutly disgust me. We throw apologies out there like there nothing. Everyone just wants to be liked..no one wants to be forgiven. Its sad. Everyday i lose more and more faith in people.

All I know is i need strength. This is one of the hardest things i will ever have to do. and the sad thing is i have to do it alone. All i can do is have faith in the one thing that i know will never leave me. My God. I hope he grants me the strength and the courage to take this on. because its been one hard battle so far. I want to know that there is still good in people. That im not going crazy in this screwed up world that we created. I pray for him. that he finds what he needs to make him what he wants to be..whatever that is.


 

It's been awhile since i wrote about my actual life in here.
so i figured i would update.


Moved back home last week.
There is nothing more humilating than moving back into your parents house.
It doesnt feel like home to me anymore.
because im just waiting to get out again and get that freedom back.
If i had known the kind of fucked up situation mike and rachael were in i never would have moved in in the first place.
Seriously. Pay your bills people.
Its not that hard.
uhg. i miss it.
Rach leaves in 2 weeks im gonna miss her :(. She needs to get out though. Mikes a dick.

Work is work.
It will be 2 years in march.
Im making bank so its hard to walk away from it.
Especially with the economy so fucked up i dont want to be caught dead without a job right now.
The parents said they would pay for MJC. so ill start going there next semester probably if everything goes as planned.
what I do there is yet to be figured out.
but hopefully it all comes together.

The black hair has been gone for about 2 months now and its pure magic.
no more black. ever.

We re-did our house recently.
New windows. New paint on the outside.
New drapes. and new carpet and wood floor next month or so.
It looks so nice.
And what i still cant believe is that RJ from fucking evaline did my new patio in my backyard.
I still cant fucking believe he went from Mr. big shot, playing warped tour and being on warner brother,.to putting cement in my back yard. Ridic.

Can i ask why its the cool thing to go off and get married these days? and have a baby on top of that? Seriously people. Live your fucking life while you can. were young. Lets get an education and make really bad choices before we make PERMANT ones like those. Jesus.

Christmas is coming up. All i want is for my parents to pay for my windshield to be fixed. Its getting ridiculous. The colbalt will look brand new again once thats taken care of. I love that car. Its a bitch to pay for. But its a good investment.

Mine and Dereks 3 year was on the 12th. We didnt exactly no what to call it because we were apart for a year of it. So we just called it our anniversary. We spent it in san jose with his family. went shopping and all that sweet stuff. Still cant believe its been 3 years since i met him. Who knew.

Fuck this was long. peeeace.